Blog Post Title One
Sometimes I have all these words in my head, and then I go to write them and there’s nothing. I feel like that’s how my life feels sometimes- I have all these big plans and ideas, but when I try to bring them into reality- nothing. Why? Hah. I’m a woman, who am I trying to kid, I know why. There are a plethora of reasons ‘why’. Fear and lack of self-confidence. The two big overarching, enshrouded characters in my story.
I’m moving. Cat’s out of the bag- the core reason for all these deep and brooding questions bubbling out all of a sudden. Nothing flows, there’s one unfinished thought after another. “I’ll get back to it”- after a long drawn-out, roundabout, stop-and-smell-the-roses side track- I’ll finish it eventually. HAH. I’m stalling. The realness of the next chapter of my life is suddenly coming into focus… and fast. When I ask too many questions I get accused of thinking too much, however, I prefer to think of it as- assessing all the probable outcomes and deciding to chose the one with least amount of failure. We’re carefully calculated creatures- us women. I wish you could hear my internal laughter.
How does one pick up five years of a life and start all over? No friends, no contacts, no real solid lay of the land… What is five years though, really? It feels like it’s been an eternity, but five is such a small number on the number scale. The freedom of anonymity, though, is alluring. I can start all over- become whoever I want to be. Heck, I could have a totally different name if I wanted to and no one would be the wiser… Save for my ID. I think back on the beginning of my adult life and all the opportunities I’ve had to “start over”, and I can’t say I did a great job with any of them. I always want to be this person that I know I could be, but why can’t I ever truly embody this aloof being? Unfortunately, the quarter of myself that isn’t the perfectionist reasons that it could be just like any other fantasy in life- sounds good and maybe a good one off, but not something sustainable… because it is… just. a. fantasy.
So becoming this new person- what form will she take I wonder? I have routines I want to follow, habits I want to form, hobbies I want to pick up, businesses I want to own, art I want to create, sex I want to have, love I crave to feel, joy I desire to chose… It all feels so distant. Like a circle that is incomplete, and completely not circular. I am a squiggle of a line that desires symmetry and connectivity. That was the strangest and perhaps most abstract thought that has ever come into my mind. Don't worry the whole column won’t be like this. To be honest, I don’t know what it will be… or what it won’t… so. enjoy.
